FUNERAL
By
Daniel Lichtenberg

4 Carol Lane
Berwyn, PA, 19312
484.614.5931
norgon@gmail.com

EXT. ROAD - SUNNY MORNING - (EARLY 1950'S)

A sign on the side of the road says: "Welcome to Greenestown, home of the greenest lawns on this side of the Mississippi!" The PAPERBOY (15) rides by on his bike, rings his BELL. 

EXT. STARLIT LANE - CONTINUOUS

TANNER (13), skinny, tall, blond short hair, and STED (13), medium build, brown short hair, walk down the sidewalk.

					TANNER
		We should do something fun today.

					STED
		Ahh, Tanner, I don't want to get in
		trouble with my folks again.

					TANNER
		What's the big deal? This town's so
		boring, you won't miss anything anyhow.

The Paperboy RIDES down the street, towards the kids. He THROWS papers onto the lawns. He comes to a real dark, old, creepy house and throws a paper on the lawn. It lands on top of a pile of old newspapers. MRS. TAMMANY (85), despicable, opening the door, slowly walks onto the porch. Sted and Tanner slow down and watch her.

					MRS. TAMMANY
		Hey! Hey you, you rotten little pest! I
		thought I told you to keep your dirty
		papers off my lawn! I cancelled two
		months ago!

The Paperboy smiles and rides on. Sted and Tanner smile at each other, standing in front of her lawn.

					MRS. TAMMANY (CONT'D)
		What are you two looking at? Get away
		from my house, you no good brats!

					TANNER
		We do more good than you, sitting in
		your house all day!

					MRS. TAMMANY
		Who is that? Is that Jacobson's boy?
		You better get on to school, don't 
		want to end up like your pa, the bum!

					TANNER
		Go shove it, you cranky old hound!

The two boys RUN down the street.

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - AFTERNOON

Tanner and Sted are in the front of a line full of kids their age.

					TANNER
		Really, I have to win this contest, Sted.

					STED
		Don't worry. We'll work together, I’ll 
		let you have all my sales.

The people in front of them get their supplies. Sted and Tanner walk up to the desk and get their candy seller kits.

					TANNER
		Now!

Then they both run off, over to LACEY (13), talking with her friends. 

					STED
		Hi, Lacey. Um... 

Tanner pours a can of dirt down the back of her shirt.

					STED
		Hope you like bugs!

She SCREAMS. They run.

					STED
		Don’t worry, it’s only dirt!

EXT. STARLIT LANE - LATE AFTERNOON

Tanner and Sted walk down the sidewalk, looking at their candy order form.

					STED
		We really did it! Everyone in the whole 
		neighborhood.

					TANNER
		Everybody? I don't know about everybody.

Sted follows Tanner's gaze to Mrs. Tammany's house.

					STED
		No way, Tanner! We got plenty of people
		already. Plus, she would never buy any!

					TANNER
		Hey, it's worth a try. Maybe her old
		man likes candy. You know, the one in
		the wheelchair.

They walk to the house, slowly onto the porch. 

					STED
		You sure about this?

Tanner RINGS the doorbell. Mrs. Tammany slowly OPENS the door. She peers at them.

					MRS. TAMMANY
		What are you two doing on my porch?

					TANNER
		Hi, Mrs. Tammany. Me and Sted were 
		just going around and selling candy 
		for this school—

					MRS. TAMMANY
		Candy? Candy! I would never buy candy
		from you, you despicable little varmint!

She steps forward. Tanner steps back as she grabs the order sheet from his hands. She coughs heavily for a few seconds.

					MRS. TAMMANY (CONT'D)
		How dare you bother me with your candy!

She tears up the order form into little pieces and throws them into the air. They scatter everywhere. Sted looks astonished. Tanner has a blank face. Mrs. Tammany coughs.

					MRS. TAMMANY (CONT'D)
		Now get off my property this instant!
		You're dragging down the property value
		as we speak, you little punks.

INT. TREE-HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Sted and Tanner are in the tree-house. Tanner has no expression.

					STED
		I can't believe it! I just can't. I
		knew we should have stayed away. Now
		what do we do? You’ll never win.

Tanner stands up, angry.

					TANNER
		No, we can't win now, the orders are 
		due tomorrow. But... we can do 
		something else. Something to get
		her back. Something to trick the whole
		town.

					STED
		What?

Sted looks at Tanner. A pause.

					TANNER
		A funeral.

EXT. OUTSIDE PRINT SHOP - EARLY AFTERNOON

Sted stands in front of the print shop. Tanner walks up to him, holding a plastic bag from the drug store.

					STED
		What’s that?

					TANNER
		Just some medicine for my dad.

					STED
		Your dad is sick?

					TANNER
		Um... he has a cold or something.

Tanner and Sted walk into the store. FLYNN (15), tall, young-looking, greets them.

					TANNER
		Hey, Flynn!
				(quietly)
		Are they ready yet?

Flynn looks behind him. His boss is busy with another customer.

					FLYNN
		Sure are. I practically broke my back
		making these, you owe me one.

He hands them a stack of cards, wrapped in string. They walk out of the store. Tanner opens them up and the two look at the cards. They say: "An invitation to the viewing of Mrs. Esther Tammany. Come help us celebrate and remember the life of Esther Tammany. 127 Starlit Lane. Friday, May 23. No r.s.v.p. required."

					STED
		What if they r.s.v.p. anyway?

					TANNER
		They won't. The number isn't listed in 
		the books. And even if they do find out,
		big deal. We will still trick everyone.
		We can always think of some other
		way to get that old witch.

EXT. STARLIT LANE - NIGHT

Sted and Tanner meet in front of Tanner's small, run down house. They set off and plant an invitation in every box but 127 Starlit Lane.

INT. STED'S KITCHEN

Sted's mom, BETTY (35), housewife, holds the phone and an invitation. Sted eats lunch at the table.

					BETTY
		I just can't believe it, Madeleine. I
		mean, I know she was old, but isn't
		that just terrible!... Listen, let me
		call you back. I have to make sure
		Suzy knows about this.

MONTAGE:

Betty calls Suzy and tells her. Suzy calls another housewife, who calls another. All housewives are calling each other, the whole neighborhood. They discuss what they are going to wear and bring to the viewing.

Betty is on phone, Sted still eats his lunch. Betty flips through the paper as she talks.

					BETTY
		Yep. Here it is, Doris. It's in the 
		Greenestown Press. Says she died of...
		natural causes. Poor thing.

Sted stops eating to listen.

INT. TREE-HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON

Sted and Tanner stand.

					STED
		It's in the paper!

					TANNER
		What do you mean it's in the paper?

					STED
		I mean, like in the section  where they
		put dead people! I think it's called
		obituaries. You know?

					TANNER
		Really?

					STED
		You didn't do it?

					TANNER
		Actually... I did, but I didn’t know it
		would be there so fast
					STED
		How did you get it in the paper?

					TANNER
		My cousin works for the paper.

					STED
		Which cousin?

					TANNER
		You don’t know him.

					STED
		...What if she sees it?

Beat.

					TANNER
		I don’t think we have to worry.

					STED
		What do you mean? Why not?

					TANNER
		Mrs. Tammany doesn’t get the
		paper. Remember?

INT. STED'S HOUSE - EVENING

Sted's parents, Betty and STEPHEN (40), get dressed, and Betty helps Sted get dressed in his suit and tie. Betty has a black dress on, Stephen a suit. They file out of the house, Betty grabbing a dish with casserole in it on the way out.

EXT. STARLIT LANE - EVENING

Sted and his parents walk down the street. The neighbors assemble in line behind them, coming from their own houses, dressed in black, with casseroles and other baked goods. They walk to 127 Starlit Lane.

As Sted's family walks up the porch, they meet up with Tanner's family. Tanner smiles at Sted, Sted looks scared. Betty RINGS the doorbell and puts on a polite smile, shaking her shoulders.

The door OPENS. MR. TAMMANY (85), in a wheelchair, looks to be 100, moves like a turtle, looks at the gathering on his porch. He is silent for many seconds, motionless.

Betty looks at her husband, who smiles nervously. She looks around.

					BETTY
		Hello, Mr. Tammany. We're so sorry
		for your loss.

Mr. Tammany looks at her. He remains inactive. Tanner barely holds in a laugh.

					BETTY (CONT'D)
		...We're here for the viewing.

Mr. Tammany looks at her again. He looks at everyone behind her. Beat.

					MR. TAMMANY
		Oh. Come in.

They all walk in behind the slow-rolling Mr. Tammany. Sted looks at Tanner who flashes him a smug smile. Mr. Tammany takes them into the living room. There are three very old LADIES in the room dressed in black.

					MR. TAMMANY
		These are my wife's sisters.

He rolls past them. They look suspiciously at the group of neighbors. 

Mr. Tammany ROLLS into the next room where there is a big brown coffin in the center. The group shuffles in, all packing into the small space, some people almost hugging the coffin.

Mr. Tammany picks up a cane from the wall and slowly LIFTS the top portion of the cover. Mrs. Tammany lies in the coffin.

Sted jumps back a little at the sight. His eyes widen. He looks around. Tanner stands near the foot of the coffin, smiling, looking at Mrs. Tammany.

THE END.